I Need To Let This Out

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I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Sat Aug 29, 2009 8:08 am

You know my ex abused me. Verbally, emotionally, physically... and I realized, sexually, as well.

Over the past couple of days I've run into several triggers.

I was already in what I call a "blah" phase, so ... I'm feeling almost suicidal, again, and I know that's not good.

I'm angry. At him. At the "law enforcement" around here. At myself.

I feel so helpless. Hopeless. Don't even want to get out of bed for a cigarette.

I actually ... WANT to die. Not because there's something "better" afterward, but because it will end my pain. Permanently.

I'm tired.

Tired of having to wonder, "is he going to be out there?" "Is he lurking in the bushes over there?" "What was that noise?"

Tired of being paranoid.

Tired of being SCARED.

Tired of not being able to trust.

And tired of putting on a brave front for the benefit of my family and my friends.

I'm just... so tired of it all.

I've lost interest in everything. I do mean everything. Nothing's enjoyable. All I'm doing anymore is sleeping.

I'm tired of holding it all in. Tired of having to be strong.

I'm tired of being alone, terrified to let anyone in.

I'm tired of the depression. Tired of the anxiety. Tired of jumping at every noise, and reacting violently to unexpected touch. (Sorry about that, Mom.) I've had to tell Mom to not gesture near my face, but can't explain why -- I know why it makes me nervous, but I cannot tell her the reasons. Neither she, nor Dad would be able to handle it, and I don't want to cause them more stress.

The only solace I get is in sleep. I just... want to go to sleep, and not wake up. But I'm scared to do that, too. Scared I'll fail, just like I fail at everything else.

I wanted to go back to school. I still WANT to. But what's the point? What the fuck is the point, if I'm going to be a miserable depressed scared-shitless wreck that can't function?

I... I... I need help.

*sobbing*
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by gillyflower on Sat Aug 29, 2009 8:17 am

((((((((((((WMDkitty)))))))))) Please, please do get some help. I really do believe that you can have a good and improved quality of life. Do you have someone to call for help? A doctor? Please go to the hospital if you need to. They can help you. We all care about you here. Keep us in the loop.

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Sat Aug 29, 2009 8:24 am

It's helped a little bit just to... get it out of my head.

I already made sure to put sharp objects out of reach. Ditto for the pills.

I was also off my meds for two days, and I took them ... *glances at clock* about 5 hours ago. A good night's sleep should get me through the worst of it (thank you Ambien!) Come Monday, I'll be looking for DV groups locally, to see if they can help.

Why do I feel so guilty, when the only one responsible for the abuse was HIM? And WHY do I STILL feel guilty?

I know I need some serious counseling.

Strangely enough, in all of this, I want to protect my parents' peace of mind.

I'm off to sob into my pillow until I sleep. Maybe when I wake up, it will be a better day.
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by DotNotInOz on Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:06 am

Please DO get counseling, Kitty, as quickly as you can arrange it!

After 12+ years of an emotionally abusive marriage, I was an emotional wreck. I lost 20 pounds dangerously fast after separating from my ex at his request and was struggling to perform as a public high school teacher on little more than 2-4 hours of sleep a night. As I used to express it, I was so far down that clamshit on the bottom of the ocean looked as distant to me as the stars to other people.

Six months of counseling, at first going twice a week, brought me to the semblance of sanity I currently enjoy. < sassy wink & grin! >

I can't emphasize enough what a lifesaver it was to have a "paid friend," as my counselor referred to herself.

Get going with a regular exercise program, too, if you don't already. Exercise is a remarkable mood-lifter, I've found. When I start feeling depressed, I go for a mile-long walk and come back feeling much better.

As for this question, "Why do I feel so guilty, when the only one responsible for the abuse was HIM? And WHY do I STILL feel guilty?", you feel guilty because that's what abuse does to your thinking and, more importantly, to your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Been there, did that...don't want THAT t-shirt anymore. You don't have to wear it either, but you may well need professional help to get there.

Btw, I recommend the book Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them by Dr. Susan Forward to any woman who's been in a toxic relationship. I found myself on just about every page. Excellent!
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by John T Mainer on Sat Aug 29, 2009 12:29 pm

I went through something similar for years as a child. I don't know if this will help you or not, but I did find a way out of the depression. One of the hardest parts to stop doing is the attacking yourself. Some people do the "I coulda/woulda/shoulda" and others do the "whats wrong with me?" both are perfectly natural and BS. It wasn't your problem, it was his. Attacking yourself is oddly satisfying, don't know why, but it has to stop.

Rage helps. Funny thing about rage, is it is a defensive response. Rage makes for poor fighters, as it is generally poorly coordinated, but it strikes outward rather than inward, and boy is that important. Learn to stop stopping yourself. Rage is OK, rage is good, and you are WORTH defending. Nothing makes you feel less worthy of defending than the memory of helplessness. You cannot change the past. You can change the present and future, and you can change your reactions. Trust me on this, I had a girlfriend once who had been abused and when I got her she would faint if I raised my voice, and by the time we parted ways was fighting sword in the SCA.

Take up a martial art. Take up target shooting. Take up wood cutting. Get in the habit of facing a punching bag with your fists, a man shapped target with pistol in hand, or a tree with an axe. Remember being attacked and HIT, SHOOT, CUT. Learn to ride the rage that was born of helplessness and teach it to act. Teach yourself you are worth defending while you teach yourself how to do it. Anybody who can lift a 3lb weight can kill me stone cold dead, it has never been about physical power (ask Agemmemnon, the victor of Troy and destroyer of nations died at his wifes hand). Fighting is different, it is a ton harder to batter somebody down than kill them, but you do not have to fight to win. In the end, the phone is infinitly more powerful than the fist, as you simply cannot hold a SWAT team in your hand, but you can sure call one. In order to do that, you have to have the spirit to battle, and that can be trained. You don't have to learn to beat up your ex, you have to learn simply that you can/will fight for YOU.

Critical Incident Stress destroys people. It honestly doens't have the same ability to destroy those who acted, as it did those who didn't act and will always reenforce their helplessness by remembering the incident, and not acting. Memory of innaction becomes a weight on your limbs until your thoughts and movements have been paralyzed. Successful soldiers, police, fire, ambulance, first aiders may have skulls full of hell, but can handle it because when they recall ten thousand terrible things, they recall as well what they DID. Sure it fails sometimes, I'll not lie to you, way more often than anybody wants to remember, but it is so much easier to remember acting than standing helpless wishing to act. Remembering going down fighting while you lie in bed and your ribs grind every time you breathe is easier than remembering the humiliation of submission. This is not a theory, this is an example from my own life. I felt triumph and rage every time my ribs ripped a groan from me, and when I saw my face beneath the stiches it was smiling. No victim, and that was victory.

Train yourself. Take a CPR course, take a first aid course, train your body to react to fear as empowering, train your mind with the ingrained habit of conditioned response to act when bad things happen and your mind will stop turning its power against itself and start working for you. It is not about fighting, its about stopping fighting yourself. Defeat is something that only exists in the mind, and it often is there before you even step on the field. You are better than that. You are stronger than that. Let your rage sustain you, not drain you. In the end know that you can only be killed, you can never be defeated. There is such joy on the other side of that discovery. I wish you to know it.

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Sat Aug 29, 2009 3:05 pm

I managed to get out of bed, today. It's a start. Still scared, but it's a well-rested scared, if that makes any sense.
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by John T Mainer on Sat Aug 29, 2009 3:13 pm

WMDKitty wrote:I managed to get out of bed, today. It's a start. Still scared, but it's a well-rested scared, if that makes any sense.

You got out of bed, that is a step forward. I have a sister in law with none of your history who has weeks she cannot say that. Learn to notice little victories like that, learn to give yourself credit for little victories, and they will start to add up. Big victories don't just happen, they are milestones on a path that is built of a thousand little victories like getting yourself up when you honestly can't think of why you should.

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by MaineCaptain on Sat Aug 29, 2009 3:14 pm

(((((((WMD)))))) I am sorry you are so miserable, I am glad you are making a start. I thank you for sharing this with us, and allowing us to try and be moral support.

You are cared about you know. We need you, you are our friend Hug2

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by DotNotInOz on Sat Aug 29, 2009 6:02 pm

WMDKitty wrote:I managed to get out of bed, today. It's a start. Still scared, but it's a well-rested scared, if that makes any sense.

That's not just a start, Kitty, it's a major accomplishment. Good for you!
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:35 pm

Very Happy Kitty? I agree with the above friends. You must go to a hospital & explain yourself to a professional. They will help you, treat you, & get you started on the right footing.
May I ask you a question? Why do you think that by talking to your parents that they would not/could not deal with your emotional stress as well as theirs? Do you not know that they love you? Do you not love your mother? You must tell her the reason why you are nervous. Do they NOT know of the abuse? If not, maybe you should come clean, & quit lying to not only yourself but to them. It is time to be honest w yourself & your family. Hell you came clean w us!? Why? Is it because you need feedback? We can't hold you, cuddle you, kiss your tears/fears away. We can't nurture you & comfort you! (I would love to do all those motherly things w you!) We can only direct you. If you think your parents will over react, & call themselves to arms, hunt down the ex, & do him an injustice? They are there to do exactly that, if need be! As a mother of a 4 adult children ages between 18 & 28. I would be horrified NOT TO KNOW the reasons for my children's uncomfortable feelings around me, because of someone else's horrid actions & twisted mind.
I am sorry & do apologize for my forwardness, but I want you to realize, that people do care about you, & some people (your parents) DO honestly love you!
Today you can give yourself several pats on the back! You are slowly listening & re-arranging your mind, body & spirit! Letting your hair down & telling us your situation & where you are at in it, was the start! Getting out of bed today was a wonderful follow through! Keep this ball rolling Kitty & go to a hospital where they are there to start the healing process professionally!
Please keep us posted on what is happening with you!
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:43 pm

It's... I know Dad would hunt his sorry ass down, and I don't want to see anyone -- even my ex -- hurt.

Some days, I can cope. Some days, I can't.

It's not physical, it's purely psychological. I think, because there is nothing physical to heal, the healing is more difficult. You can't see the wound, can't see the progress made in healing.

I feel silly sometimes, having to remind myself that the hands near my face are not a threat, that a touch on my neck is not a threat.
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Sun Aug 30, 2009 12:40 am

Smile I understand, Kitty. But your parents have a right to know, you are their child for always! So are you going to find help, & follow through with it?
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Sun Aug 30, 2009 12:55 am

They know. Mom just picked me up, said she'd feel better if I stayed the night at the house.
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by gillyflower on Sun Aug 30, 2009 7:41 am

I am so glad! Your parents love you very much and I'm glad that you spent the night there. Get the professional help, too, hon. You'll get through this!

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by samhain_autumnwood on Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:22 am

WMDKitty wrote:They know. Mom just picked me up, said she'd feel better if I stayed the night at the house.

Good job Kitty,

Asking for help is often the toughest (and most important).

Glad you did it. Pat yourself on the back (even if you don't feel you deserve it...do it anyways, good habit to get in to).
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by Guest on Sun Aug 30, 2009 3:18 pm

Kitty. As one who has suffered through the years with depression broght on from my childhood & other events in my life I know what you're going through. I myself have been diagnosed as having PTSD & am on meds for it. I also go to counseling. All this helps me to cope. You are a very good & loving Lady. BTW, in 1975 I came within 10 minutes of being sucessful of killing myself. If I had been found ten minutes later I would've been dead. It's taken me decades to realize that I wasn't the blame for all that happened to me in my childhood & many things since. E-mail me & I'll send you my phone number so you can have someone to talk to & who will listen.

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by Beribee on Sun Aug 30, 2009 10:59 pm

((((((Kitty)))))))) Please go get some help....you DO deserve it!

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Mon Aug 31, 2009 1:13 am

There's a plan in place. Tomorrow (likely to be "today" by the time this is read), I'm making an intake appointment @ WCPC, and hoping to get in within the week. *fingers crossed*

I think a part of what triggered this was the Garrido case. Between that, and this conversation, something was bound to give.
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by sacrificialgoddess on Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:30 am

I can see why that upset you.

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by MaineCaptain on Mon Aug 31, 2009 11:05 am

Yes it is a disturbing article.

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by jumbojava on Mon Aug 31, 2009 11:51 am

Kitty, I just wish I lived closer to give this hug in person...

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kitty))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Maybe for a while try sitting downwind from flowers ..... Smile


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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by wmdkitty on Mon Aug 31, 2009 11:54 am

*sneezes*

Or... maybe not so much with the flowers.

I'm doing better today, I have an appetite, and I'm making plans for the future. (Good things, rite?)
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by jumbojava on Mon Aug 31, 2009 11:58 am

WMDKitty wrote:*sneezes*

Or... maybe not so much with the flowers.

I'm doing better today, I have an appetite, and I'm making plans for the future. (Good things, rite?)

How about just a nice cuppajoe instead....? Very Happy



Oh and dont forget to read the link in the flowers post... Smile
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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by Beribee on Tue Sep 01, 2009 11:23 pm

What a nice story that was JJ! Kitty, I'm so glad that you are starting to feel better!! Hug2

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Re: I Need To Let This Out

Post by Guest on Wed Sep 02, 2009 8:52 am

Kitty. Remember this. When things get rough you can always come here. We Love you & are your support group.

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