Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Tue Nov 17, 2009 10:51 pm

Hey BJ & Fred. You received the pitures of my Posse. Now I don't know how to post them here or even how to cut down the size of them in order for them to be posted here. So. You have our permission to post them here in the DAWG if at all possible.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Wed Nov 18, 2009 6:54 am

Hey Big BIL, I haven't seen your posse and Fred doesn't know what you mean either.

Did you send it to us?

f you send it to us, we may be able to put it in the Saloon. I doubt we'd have missed it.

Will keep an eye out for it. BJ love to SIL, you & the lillies xxxxx
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 18, 2009 7:35 pm

BonnieJay wrote:Hey Big BIL, I haven't seen your posse and Fred doesn't know what you mean either.

Did you send it to us?

f you send it to us, we may be able to put it in the Saloon. I doubt we'd have missed it.

Will keep an eye out for it. BJ love to SIL, you & the lillies xxxxx

PB&A sent it to you.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:40 am

BJ. It's the pictures of the three Princes & the Little Princess.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Fri Nov 20, 2009 2:24 pm



Warlord, Hoping this is the batch you're askin' about.
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Fri Nov 20, 2009 2:26 pm



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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Fri Nov 20, 2009 2:27 pm

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Fri Nov 20, 2009 2:29 pm



This must be warlord in his college days.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Fri Nov 20, 2009 8:37 pm

You got it right Fred, except for the picture of me. I looked more like Thor back then.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by sacrificialgoddess on Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:39 pm

warlordofks wrote:You got it right Fred, except for the picture of me. I looked more like Thor back then.



or Thor?


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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:13 pm

I'm baaaaaack.
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies

1. I will try to figure out why I "really need" 12 e-mail addresses.

2. I will stop sending e-mail to my spouse. A phone call every now and then would be appreciated

3. I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

4. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail and text messages.

5. I will stop sending e-mail, texts, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

6. I resolve to back up my hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe... at least once a year

7. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

8. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical since my friends overseas already had time to answer me by then.

9. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

10. I will think of a password other than "password."

11. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!


SHORT FUNNY SAYINGS

UFO's are real. It's the Air Force that doesn't exist!

A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

MONEY TALKS ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE!

I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

Optimist: A YUGO owner.

43% of all statistics are useless.

I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn LOUDER!

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts.

SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

[size=12]DRIVING MISS CRAZY

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through it.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we went through a red light!"

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again she went right through it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it!

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just went through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh dear, am I driving?"

[size=12]What Men Say and What They Really Mean

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday, our kids' birthdays, and our anniversary date."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I MISSED YOU."
Means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

[size=12]WHAT WOMEN SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN

Yes
(No)

No
(No)

Maybe
(No)

You want
(You want)

We need
(I want)

It's your decision.
(The correct decision should be obvious by now.)

Do what you want.
(You'll pay for this later.)

I'm sorry.
(You'll be sorry.)

We need to talk.
(I need to complain.)

Sure . . . go ahead.
(I don't want you to.)

I'm not upset.
(Of course I'm upset, you moron.)

You're...so manly.
(You need a shave and you sweat a lot.)

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!
(It's my period)

This kitchen is so inconvenient.
(I want a new house)

I want new curtains.
(and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper . . .)

I heard a noise.
(I noticed you were almost asleep.)

Do you love me?
(I'm going to ask for something expensive.)

How much do you love me?
(I did something today you're really not going to like . . .)

Is my butt fat?
(Tell me I'm beautiful.)

You have to learn to communicate.
(Just agree with me.)

Do you like this recipe?
(It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.)

I'm not yelling!
(Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.)

I don't want to talk about it.
(Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.)

[/size][/size][/size]

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:17 pm

> JEFF FOXWORTHY'S COMMENTS ABOUT
> NEBRASKA
>
>
> Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about
> Nebraska...
>
> If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
> September through May, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If someone in a Home Depot store offers you
> assistance and they don't work there, you live in
> Nebraska.
>
> If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same
> time, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
> with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in
> Nebraska.
>
> If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of
> GRAND ISLAND for the weekend, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you measure distance in squares of farm land,
> you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you know several people who have hit a cow
> more than once, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you have gone from "heat" to "A/C"
> in
> the
> same day and back again, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow
> during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in
> Nebraska.
>
> If you install security lights on your house and
> garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife
> knows how to use them, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you design your kid's Halloween costume to
> fit over a snowsuit, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If the I-80 speed limit is 75 mph -- you're
> going 90 and everybody is passing you, you live in
> Nebraska.
>
> If driving is better in the winter because the
> potholes are filled with snow, you live in Nebraska.
>
> If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter,
> winter, still winter and road construction, you live in
> Nebraska.
>
> If you have more hours on your snow blower than
> miles on your car, you live in
> Nebraska.
>
> If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you
> live in Nebraska.
>
> If you understand these jokes, and forward them
> to all your Nebraska friends & others, you actually
> have lived in Nebraska (Or any number of other "Upper
> Midwestern"
> states).
>


Today it got up to 16 degrees in Nebraska. Or as they call it. SKINNY DIPPING TIME.







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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:23 pm

Another from Nebraska.
I think this was written by somebody who lives here because it could have been!





> >
> > DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER
> >
> > December 8 - 6:00 PM
> > It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
> > took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge
> > soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses
> > Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
> >
> >
> >
> > December 9
> > We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch
> > of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely
> > place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
> > Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
> > both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came
> > along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
> > to shovel again. What a perfect life!
> >
> > December 12
> > The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My
> > neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
> > Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so
> > much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again.
> > I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's
> > our neighbour.
> >
> >
> > December 14
> > Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
> > -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
> > away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
> > the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything
> > again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling,
> > but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff
> > and puff so.
> >
> >
> > December 15
> > 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
> > tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
> > wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
> > that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
> > December 16
> > Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
> > putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which
> > I think was very cruel.
> >
> >
> > December 17
> > Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
> > Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
> > warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
> > Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I
> > hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my
> > own living room.
> > December 20
> > Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
> > night. More shovelling! Took all day. The dam snowplough came by
> > twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're
> > too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
> > hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.
> > Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says
> > I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think
> > he's lying.
> >
> > December 22
> > Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the
> > white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till
> > August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel
> > and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed
> > again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on
> > his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I
> > think the butthole is lying.
> >
> >
> > December 23
> > Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
> > to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
> > Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
> > think she's lying.
> >
> >
> > December 24
> > 6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel.
> > Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
> > who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls
> > and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
> > corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the
> > street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
> > been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
> > open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.
> >
> >
> > December 25
> > Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -
> > Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the
> > snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I
> > hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad
> > attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A
> > Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the
> > microwave.
> >
> >
> > December 26
> > Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
> > idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
> >
> >
> > December 27
> > Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14
> > hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my
> > pipes.
> >
> >
> > December 28
> > Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me
> > crazy!!!
> >
> >
> > December 29
> > 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
> > That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
> >
> >
> > December 30
> > Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me
> > for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for
> > trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went home
> > to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
> >
> >
> > December 31
> > I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
> >
> >
> > January 8
> > Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
> > Why am I tied to the bed?

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:29 pm

[And now an "eye roller" Smile ]

Did you read in the newspaper about the guy that was found dead in a hot tub full of milk with a banana in his mouth?
They think it's a serial killer.

If this doesn't describe Sheffield, Illinois, I don't know what does.

You know you live in a small town if:

1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes.
6. Any festivals in the city are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
7. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
8. You use "fix" as an adverb. Example: "I am fixing to go to the store."
9. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
10. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
11. Instead of hoses, the Fire Department uses water pistols.
12. You have to make a reservation to use the parking meter.
13. The local Motel 6 ONLY sleeps six.
14. The municipal water system's pump was supplied by Water Pik.
15. There is no town idiot -- everybody has to take turns.
16. In order to paint traffic lines, the road has to be widened.



Subject: LAWS !!!





[size=25]1
. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.
Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.
The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16
. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.




[/size]

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:33 pm


Author Unknown

Last Saturday I was sitting in my front yard waiting for the mail. A paneled stationed wagon pulled up across the street and from it emerged a thin, neatly groomed young woman in a knee high print dress who firmly grasped a small, black book and several different stacks of multi-colored pamphlets. She crossed the street approaching me in a sure, optimistic stride.
"Hi, I'm Patty," she announced.
"Oppie," I said.
"Do you mind if I ask you a question, Oppie?" she asked in a rhetorical tone.
"Go right ahead."
"When was the last time you spoke to Jesus?"
"Jesus who?"
"Jesus Christ... Lord, our God."
"I've never spoken to Him. I have never met Him."
"Have you ever felt the need to let him into your heart?" she said.
"No, why should I?"
"Then you accept the fact that you exist with an incomplete soul?"
"I believe my 'Creator' is somewhere inside my brain, if that is what you mean."
"Do you accept Jesus as yourt personal savior?"
"I don't believe in that rubbish. Why are you bothering me?"
"Bothering you? Don't you realize that I'm trying to save your soul? Do you mind if I ask you a question? Good. If you were to die this moment, could you be 100 percent sure that you wouldn't go to Hell?"
"Yup - 100 percent sure."
"How do you know that?"
"Because Hell is a paganistic concept created to frighten people into believing in God, the afterlife, and any other ideas that organized religion has tried to make compulsory in society throughout history."
"You wanna fry for eternity?"
"Excuse me.... ?"
"I asked you if you want to be thrust into the Lake of Fire where you will be tormented with ..."
"How exactly do you believe that comes about, anyway?"
"In Romans 10 it is written, `For whosoever call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.'"
"You used `shall' in the third person."
"It's the New Testament, it's not me. It's all written that way."
"The whole book is in emphatic voice? And they haven't corrected it yet?"
"No! That's the way it was written."
"What kind of editor would let copy like that slip by him?"
"If you would just listen to me for just a minute...OK. Now, if you call upon the name of the Lord like it says, when you die, you won't be accepted through the gates of Heaven."
"Gotta keep the riff-raff out, eh?"
"OK. Now if you don't get accepted through the gates of Heaven, your soul gets expelled into the eternal Lake of Fire."
"If it's just my soul, how can fire hurt it?"
"What?"
"Are souls heat-sensitive?"
"Um. I dunno," she admitted.
"But," she cleverly maneuvered, "if you would come to --- this Sunday I'm sure someone there would be able to ..."
"No, I don't think so."
"Well then, would you like to take this and read it over carefully, and if you have any questions, just give us a call at this number."
I glanced over the pamphlet. "It says here `For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God.' What about God's sins?"
"God never sinned?"
"What about the floods?"
"What about them?"
"God wasted a lot of people in the floods. I've never killed anyone. God's a worse sinner than I am."
"God killed them because he scoffed at Noah."
"Oh, come on! Every man on earth scoffed at Noah? The Indians speak of a world wide flood and they didn't even know Noah."
"It doesn't matter. He created them, and it was His choice if He wanted to destroy them. He can do that you know."
"What about test tube babies? If a team of scientists creates a human being, do they have the option of killing it if they want to?"
"Well, I really don't know. But if you would come to the ---- Sunday, I'm sure that someone will be able to answer your questions."
I told her I did not believe in Jesus Christ as my savior and proceeded to tell her my beliefs.
I have heard many religious people say, "Repent ye! For the day of judgement is at hand!" - and with this profound statement everyone is supposed to get his/her act together and prepare for the indignities of "divine" evaluation. Actually, this rather corny idea would have some merit - except for one drawback: who will do the "divine" evaluating!
There is only one person who can possibly know every facet of a particular human life. That person would be the individual himself. No other being can accurately assess the desires, the capabilities, or the intentions of another as effectively as can the person in question.
As I have said before, "Your body is the template of God the creator." The creator, or "God" if you want to call it that, is the DNA molecule and the creator is still in all of us. The scriptures tell us that when we die we'll meet our "Creator..." This is very possible because, when we die, the escape is inward, not outward as we seem to think.
I don't have to attend a church to worship my "Creator." My "Creator" is still inside of me and I can worship him or her anywhere I please."

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:36 pm

The similarities between Jesus Christ and Elvis Presley are almost uncanny. Just check the following parallels for yourself!

  • Jesus said "Love thy neighbor." Elvis said "Don't be cruel."
  • Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
  • Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio.
  • Jesus walked on water. Elvis surfed (Blue Hawaii, 1965).
  • Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
  • Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "Comeback" TV special and many posthumous mall sightings.
  • Jesus said "If a man thirst, let him come to me, and drink." (John 7:37). Elvis said "Drinks on me" (Jail House Rock, 1957).
  • Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis also had irregular eating habits (eg, 5 banana split breakfast).
  • Jesus is a Capricorn (Dec 25). Elvis is a Capricorn (Jan8).
  • Matthew was a biographer of Jesus. Neil Matthews was a biographer of Elvis (A Golden Tribute).
  • "Jesus countenance...like lightning...raiment snow white." (Matthew 28:3) Elvis wore snow white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
  • Jesus lived in a state of grace in a near-eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state.
  • Jesus' mother Mary had an immaculate conception. Elvis' wife Priscilla went to Immaculate Conception H.S.
  • People called Jesus a "...glutton and a drunk." (Luke 7:34) People called Elvis "...an overweight druggie...".
  • Jesus died for us. Young girls would 'die for' Elvis.
  • Jesus was born in humble surroundings. Elvis was born in Mississippi.
  • Even today Jesus has a cult following. Even today Elvis has a cult following.
  • Jesus was called "King of Israel.." (John 12:13) Elvis was called "King of Rock n' Roll".

Was Elvis the 20th-century re-incarnation of Jesus? Hey, decide for yourself.....

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:37 pm


Author Unknown

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
%God
#Enter password.
%Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
%Technocrat
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
#Done
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
#Done.
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
#Done
%Create fowl
#Done
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle
#Done
%Create creepy_things
#Done
%Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create man
#Done
%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
%Insert breath
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
%Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
%Create Garden.edn
#Done
%Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
%Copy woman from man
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
%Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
%Insert man into woman
#Done
%Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
%Create desire
#Done
%Run multiplication
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create freewill
#Done
%Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
%Create good, evil
#Done
%Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.
%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
%Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
%Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
%Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
%Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
%Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:40 pm

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
Actual Newspaper Article Screw-Ups!

- "The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and
for pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee
will be $1.50."

- "The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue
as the dead man was crossing the intersection."

- "Dr. Benjamin Porter vistied the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present."

- "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City
officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

- "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish
a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to
purchase a stomach pump."

- "The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and
commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where
they are happily living."

- "This coming Sunday evening, the President and his wife will deliver
a joint television address on the subject of drug abuse."

- "Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule
market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the
Governor."

- "A whimsical number titled "London Derriere" was played by Stein as
his salute to St. Patrick's Day."

- "The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog
owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of
$100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo."

- "The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy
performed on the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to
determine the cause of death."

- "The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china."

- "He called on the Kentucky legislature to clarify the state abortion
statute to define whether it applied to pregnant women."

- "Moby Dick," the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be
seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title
role."

- "Weight Watchers will meet Tuesday at 7pm at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance."

- "Hear Paul Lucas. The complete dope on the weather."

- "Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which
will be followed by Friday."

- "Gene Autry is better after being kicked by a horse."

- "The women included their husbands and their children in their
potluck suppers."

- "Migraines strike twice as many women as do men."

- "The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as
she came down the aisle."

- "Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a
battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant
that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero."

- "In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler
Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The
"Gazette" regrets the error."

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:42 pm

1 January 2000
From: Supreme Deity, Department of Race Development
To: Human Race
Subj: Change of Command

This is to inform you, effective this date, I am assuming command from Yahweh God.
It has come to the attention of the Universe Department of the United Dieties of Space and Time by means of persistent performance complaints that Yahweh God is more concerned with his career than with his job.
It is noted his concentration on and his purient interest in such trivial matters as human sexual behavior and general interpersonal nastiness which humans are more than capable of dealing with themselves rather than such larger issues of curing disease, eliminating war and the like. It is noted his constant negative "don't"s rather than positive "do"s have caused serious problems for the progress of the human race.
It is further noted Yahweh God was very long on promises but regularly failed to deliver being more occupied by personal matters. Specifically he invited prayers and then failed to respond to them. He would promise great rewards and comfort to those who followed him and would neglect in which they suffered and often died. He would blame their lack of faith and smirkingly say he was "testing" them. (For your forbearance with this in particular we are truly grateful.)
Also Yahweh God was noted his sparsity of description of the ultimate rewards (holding being in his presence was sufficient description, a personality trait that should have alerted us millenia ago) while at the same time developing in minute detail the punishments for the most trivial infractions of his arbitrary and capricious rule making.
Within the next millenium a full time god will be appointed to the human race. He will announce himself in such manner as he sees fit at the time. He will specifically not hide the fact in any manner, he will not play coy, he will not play any "guess who I really am" techniques. The essence of a true god is knowledge, not faith.
In the interim and working with my staff I have developed a schedule of revelations that will attempt to make up for the damage the human race has incurred.
The Ten Commandments and all regulatory additions are hereby rescinded. The human race can handle anything they address without my help.
Within 30 days everyone will be receiving a formal contract of belief and acceptance providing specifics which are binding upon both sides and giving the procedure for arbitratation of differences. A simple summary brochure will be included. This will be a freely entered into contract and rejection of same will entail no penalties. However, if you would like an individual negotiation or clarification a prayer will be provided.
You will have 90 minutes of free prayer before you sign in order to determine if you like the terms of this contract. I personally assure you, all prayers will be listened to and if rejected a detailed reason for rejection will be provided in return.
Within 60 days of receipt of the signed contract a set of guidelines will be provided which, if followed, will lead to the advancement of the arts and sciences, the elimination of the recurrent ills of the human race and the propagation of universal brotherhood and the like.
As I expect it will take no more than 200 years for the implementation of those to result in complete success and make up for the failings of Yahweh God, get you up to speed so to speak, the next set of guidelines will get down to the really important things.
Your cooperation will be appreciated. We at the Department of Race Development hope you will not judge all gods by Yahweh God. We regret any inconvenience his assignment to the human race may have caused.
Remember our motto, Gods are on your side.
Respectfully,
/s/
PS. This memo is on platinum. Please do not lose this like you did the stone one.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Tue Jan 12, 2010 5:28 pm

Thanks for keeping an eye on the Saloon, Warlord.

Just letting you'all know, BJay had a fall last week and has fractured her left ankle.

She's plastered again and has been in hospital since. They expect to send her to Rehab to help her back on her feet very soon.

So in the meantime, drinks are on the house.
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by gillyflower on Tue Jan 12, 2010 6:31 pm

Oh no! I'm sorry to here that. I hope she recovers quickly. Tell her to behave herself in rehab - no patting the boys' backsides!

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:37 pm

gillyflower wrote:Oh no! I'm sorry to here that. I hope she recovers quickly. Tell her to behave herself in rehab - no patting the boys' backsides!

Knowing me lil Sis she's more likely to be patting their frontsides.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Sun Jan 17, 2010 9:46 pm

Subject: You might live in Kansas if..........





Leave it to Jeff Foxworthy to talk about our beloved state!!
The funny part is......it's all true...every bit of it!!Only in Kansas !!
For those of you who do not know, Jeff Foxworthy’s in-laws live in Derby ,
Kansas .

Kansas According to Jeff Foxworthy:

If you're proud that your region makes the national news at
least 96 times each year because it's the hottest or the coldest spot in the
nation, you might live in Wichita , Kansas .


If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his fore head, you might live in Pratt , Kansas .


If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Colby , Kansas .


If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might
live in Hays, Kansas .


If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone
who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Kansas .
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Kansan WHEN 'Vacation' means going east
or west on I -70 for the weekend.


If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Kansas .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
you might live in Medicine Lodge, Kansas ...


If you often switch from 'Heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and
back again, you might live inFredonia, Kansas .

If you can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard, without flinching, you might live in Kansas City , Kansas .

If you see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings), you might live in Great Bend , Kansas .

If you install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked, you might live in Augusta , Kansas .

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows
how to use them, you might live in Manhattan , Kansas .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you might live in Wichita , Kansas .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter
and road construction, you might live in Pittsburg , Kansas .

If your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next
to your blue spruce, you might live in Derby , Kansas .

If "Going Down South" means Oklahoma , you might live in
Coffeyville , Kansas .

If a brat is something you eat, you might live in Altoona ,
Kansas .

If your idea of going out to eat is a tail gate party every
Friday, you might live in Cimarron , Kansas .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car; you
might live in Goodland , Kansas .

If you find 0 degrees to be 'a little chilly', you might live in
Concordia , Kansas .

If you actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to
all your Kansas friends -- you might live in Kansas .

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Sun Jan 17, 2010 9:49 pm

I'll be most likely off line on Monday & Tuesday. Because I'm going to have Justin & Alexis to take care of. The daughter needs me to babysit those two days.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by sacrificialgoddess on Sun Jan 17, 2010 9:49 pm

Have fun!

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Edward Albee
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

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