Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:14 am



OK Warlord now look at Grace here and I doubt you'll want to look at anyone else. Still, there are more of us comin' up!!
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:20 am



C'mon gals, we want lots of photees, but lunch is coming soon and you must be starved by now!!
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:26 am

OK I'm the one in pink who doesn't need as much bra control Ah humm! I'm browner cos I had a head start on summer.

Doesn't all your gals look great guys?? (Is that applause I hear?) Yessiree
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Fri Nov 06, 2009 6:47 am



OK gals you all look terrific, especially after a transatlantic surf. You all must have lost a huge amount of weight. I know I did going to and fro. Now I'm glad we have everyone accounted for. So your feast is ready:

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Fri Nov 06, 2009 7:20 am

OK gals,grab your guys and your bags & towells, we are off on the bus to our place now.

Drop the guys somewhere comfy and follow me to the showers, hair shampoo/Conditioner, Aloe vera & other balms for everyone's use. hair mousse, whatever on the right bench. Moisturerisers & Eye creams etc. with some make up on the left.

Spare towelling robes etc in the second bedroom. help yourselves. Catch you outside, ready for desserts and drinks a lil coffee mightn't huirt either.
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Sat Nov 07, 2009 1:20 am

OK that was quick, let's go get the guys. Summer great to see ya and your wunnerful Guy. Oh great my board son is here. Yeah Manny love, over here.
I wouldn't touch that lilo Summer, I think Fred's asleep on it. Yo Bette hon having some recreational time with that of your choice, not to mention that young fella who's been asking after you.

MC love it sure is hot for this early in summer don't you think? Sheesh it's gonna seem awful cold when yer gets back home aint it?
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:05 am

Say SG, I think I saw Leggo girl and Spiderman having some nibbles and drinks over on the porch swing.

Oh theyare coming over to the pool. Say none of them have any parts which could rust do they?
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:14 am



OK here come the desserts folks.
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:23 am

C'mon folks there's more to come. Fill your plates and glasses and grab a cabana. Have some more tucker and another swim then you'll have to be on the plane by 8am tomorrow. Have fun!!

Whoops Fred!! was that you who pushed me?
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Sat Nov 07, 2009 2:39 am



Bye everyone. Come again soon. Remember it's summer here and all are welcome.

Bye. Bye. See y'all soon. BJ & Fred!!

Wow what a weekend!!
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Sat Nov 07, 2009 8:47 pm



Good, now that everyone's gone, I can get back to my favorite past time. BOWLING!!!!
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Mon Nov 09, 2009 10:18 pm

Looks like I scared everyone away.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:47 pm

FredLeTed wrote:Looks like I scared everyone away.


Oh yeah. I can outbowl you. And out joke you.

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:54 pm

Computer Troubles

A List of Wants

- I want to hurt my computer. I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently.

- When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

- I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him.

This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the featureless voice always claims. I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, so we couldn't care less about you. Our technical support department consists of two college kids in India, both of whom are busy playing computer games. Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who doesn't speak English."

- When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.

- I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it? There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.

- How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?

- I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

- I was really tired of hearing about all the horrible things that would happen with the Y2K problem: sewers will regurgitate, all of my fillings will return to the dentist, my high school reunion will be held in Spanish, etc.

Why doesn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what did they need a memo or something? When I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files were Y2K-compliant the program wouldn't work because -get this - my CD-ROM player was too old. The manufacturer didn't sell an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer was Y2K-compliant, I needed to buy another computer.

- I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

- Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my DVD drive. How could they not recognize each other? They live together!

Please understand: I don't hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every once in a while.




Subject: OBSERVATIONS ON GROWING OLDER




OBSERVATIONS ON GROWING OLDER

It's harder to tell navy from black.

Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before, you're too old to wear it the second time around.

Your kids are becoming you -- and you don't like them, but your grandchildren are perfect!

Yellow becomes the big color -- walls, hair, teeth.

Going out is good; coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great", they add, "For your age!"

When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything -- movies, hotels, flights.

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

The last two outfits you wore had spots on them.

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks, and they tell you the truth.

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

You realize you're never going to be really good at anything -- especially golf.

Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep."

Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident?" Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident.

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married; now it's, "I hope they STAY married!"

The best place to have a conversation with your husband is in the bathroom -- you have his full attention.

Who wants to wear 3" heels anyway?

You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

When GOOGLE, ipod, email and modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You use more four-letter words -- "What?"..."When?"

Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

Notice everything they sell in stores is sleeveless?

Many of the people in People Magazine you've never even heard of.

Your concealer doesn't conceal.

Your lipstick bleeds.

Your mascara clumps, and your eyebrows are disappearing.

You don't have hair under your arms, and very little on your legs, but your chin needs to be plucked daily.

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job.

You have three sizes of clothes in your closet, two of which you will never wear again.

But old is good in some things -- old songs, old movies, and best of all -- old friends!

25 Signs that you've had too much of the 21st Century:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5. You text-message your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he texts you back "What's for dinner?"

6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a Web page.

9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.

10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

12. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

14. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

15. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

16. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

17. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. Smile

19. Your resume is on a CD in your pocket.

20. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay increase.

21. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

22. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.

23. When you make phone calls from home, you automatically dial a "9" to get an outside line.

24. You're reading this.

25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.








































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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:58 pm

Lutheran Airlines

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!

ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight..

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad;
16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da
safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.

Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.

Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace:

Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
and let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.


Okay, the last line says to pass this on to someone who needs a good laugh, and I think all of you qualify. So from the "I don't make 'em up, I just forward 'em" department:
g


Think before you speak....

Here are five reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go and he said 'No'. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread
his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak!!!







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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:00 am

Worst Analogies Found in High School Papers

"He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it."

"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."

"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."

"Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

"Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center."

"Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."

"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."

"Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like 'Second Tall Man.'"

"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."

"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."

"They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth."

"John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met."

"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."

"The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon."

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:02 am

Say what you want about the South.






Tennessee


The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'


Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.


'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'


Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I.D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'


North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'

And this from South Carolina

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North













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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:04 am



EVE: 'I've got a problem.'

GOD: 'What's the problem, Eve?'

EVE: 'I know that you created me and provided this Beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy..'

GOD: 'And why is that Eve?'

EVE: 'I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.'

GOD: 'Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'

EVE: 'Man? What is that?'

GOD: 'A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.'

EVE: 'Sounds great,' but what's the catch?'

GOD: 'Well... you can have him on one condition.'

EVE: 'And what's that, dear God? '

GOD: 'As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman.'


I have no idea of why the text is so small.























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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:11 am



Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office.

---------

Dictionary Definition

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal.

---------

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by Guest on Thu Nov 12, 2009 12:12 am

One-Liners

- If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.

- If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to either of you for the rest of the day.

- Sign outside a Dairy Queen: "Scream until daddy stops the car!"

- If you can read the writing on the wall, it means the kids have found the crayons.

- How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.

- I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

- Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

- There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

- Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.


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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by FredLeTed on Sun Nov 15, 2009 10:45 pm

Okay, Okay Warlord.

Here's the Beer!!!!!!

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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:34 am

Avyone ever seen the real Fred? named Ned,Well check out the Simpson's Fred Never a better cast ever made.

He gets heaps from his workmates~~ BJ

I still luv ya Fred/er/Ned,or whattever
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:43 am

I'm sure that somewhere in all that indecipherabe typing, there nust be something against sacking one's church chior/band etc.

Help PB&A!!

I think if people had been singing and playing music for some time, it may be a lil not so nice to sack them,

Should we take up a new cause> BJ
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:46 am

How the heck did all that printing ever become so tiny anyway, Even my glasses are laughing!! BJ
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

Post by BonnieJay on Tue Nov 17, 2009 2:49 am

Say Ned, Sorry I mean Fred, get home and fix this like pronto K? BJ
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Re: Ye Olde DAWG Saloon

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