Inheritance

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Inheritance

Post by gillyflower on Sat Jul 11, 2009 8:32 am

This morning I'm fighting a sinus headache and also thinking deep thoughts about what we inherit from our parents, and their parents. (TED posted something of Facebook, a poem, that tied in.) I've lived long enough to be able to see patterns in the families close to me. I've seen myself say "I'll never be like that" and then I am or at least a variation of it, although often I can't see it because I haven't done exactly the same, just a variation on the theme - everyone knows that doesn't count! I've seen my children repeating traits and behaviors they inherited from me and from their father. I've traced destructive behavior through several generations, seeing how a coping mechanism in one generation manifests as a destructive trait in the next generations. I've also seen good traits passed along, it isn't all bad. And I've wondered if, even with all the hard work I've done to change my behavior (the buck stops here) and training to have my children recognize the patterns and avoid them, it's been enough to change life for future generations.

What are some things you recognize that you have inherited from your parents and their parents? What have you done to change that? Do you see yourself repeating their mistakes or fixing their mistakes (making better choices)? What have you inherited that you value?

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Re: Inheritance

Post by TigersEyeDowsing on Sat Jul 11, 2009 1:19 pm

Very interesting observation and thoughts Gilly. One thing I know I've inherited is the importance of keeping up appearances. I've done a lot to not be that way (and am more myself online), as most in my family are WAY overboard, but I do find myself still behaving/doing/saying things in real life to control the way people see or think about me. In our family it goes like: This is the image we want to convey. Therefore, we say A, B, and C, and do D and E in order to successfully convey the image to everyone else. The first thought when doing something is an automatic "What will people think?" reflex. That takes some serious deprogramming!

My family is also very judgmental, which I've done my best to quit being. But it is interesting, as I tease my grandmother and say "Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all."

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Re: Inheritance

Post by gillyflower on Sun Jul 12, 2009 8:46 am

Oh, yes, that was a big thing in my parental family, too. But it does have a good use. We moved many, many times and learning how to present oneself in new situations among strangers - to project an image - to best effect was considered a survival skill in my family.

Yes, I think that we do what we know unless we work very hard every day to be different, and usually we don't recognize exactly where we need to change it. Case in point, my father was an alcoholic (in fairness to him he quit after I was in college) and so I was determined to marry someone who didn't drink. I married a "dry drunk" and became my mother, whose father drank too much for some of his life at least, and so on. The drinking was only part of the problem, but I didn't realize that. And my children would continue the pattern without one of us realizing that it was a pattern.

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Re: Inheritance

Post by itty on Sun Jul 12, 2009 11:36 am

Family secrets does it for me, Gilly. I don't care who we are we all h ave them.

In my family we seem to have created a picture of the all american farm family. true to a certain extent but there is a current under the surface that paints a very different picture. We had a stick together at all costs, blood is thicker than water mentality. The pattern was to fit in at all costs.

I didn't do that as much but paid a price. I am not saying a broke the mold here but I did try to do things differently. The problem was one that I didn't recognize until I was in my forties. I kept running away. I would try to make a 'new start'. It meant trying to pick up, pack up and move. Then I would get the letters, the phone calls, the visits. I was outside the reservation so to speak. It seems that a lot of us, me included, to see a bad pattern and got stuck in it and couldn't see it. I loved my family but It certainly shocked me to realize that I WAS, I AM my parents. Why? I can't say, Gilly. I only know I did it. One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life was to sit down and tell my mother just what I was thinking. I doubt I did her any favors at the end of her life by doing so but maybe my nieces and nephews will see somehting else and break a mold. I can only hope.
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Re: Inheritance

Post by Teka on Sun Jul 12, 2009 4:27 pm

My mom was a moody unhappy woman, I remember being aware of it when I was small. I wanted her to be happy and I would ask if I could brush her hair, it seemed to make her feel better, sometimes.

Naturally when I was younger I was moody. Meditation gave me a grip on that finally in my thirties.

My daughter has been told she is bipolar and wanted to know if it ran in the family. I don't think so, though a couple of drs. gave me tranquilizers. Bless her heart she has been told that she and I didn't properly 'bond'. I just thought that when she got old enough to move out she'd had enough of us. LOL

I love my kids but I set them free. Only one of them has a child. Until they experience raising a child I think they will see their parents in a negative light or maybe they will anyway from what I've seen here. My parents gave me the impression that it was up to me to make the best of my life and all that. But I probably blamed them for a lot of things until I was about 30. Then it dawned on me that decisions were made under the pressure of the times, times I was beginning to face. I can remember the exact moment when I understood.

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Re: Inheritance

Post by Guest on Tue Jul 14, 2009 12:30 am

Being a grand parent now, I can look back on things and laugh about them. I saw myself become my father when my first son arrived. Suddenly, all of those rules and restrictions I grew up with were not so damned insufferable. In fact, they made perfect sense where the safety and well being of my kids were concerned. I'm even more my father now with my grand kids. The word "no" has completely left my vocabulary. It isn't that I'm trying to buy my way into heaven for past sins with my kids, as I accused my dad of doing, but I can see where he was coming from when asked why he was so strict with us and so easy on his grand children.... His reply was "I was too busy raising you to be able to enjoy you." I understand that now, because the weight of parenting has more or less been lifted off of my shoulders, and the mantle passed on to them. Like my dad before me, I believe I was born to be a grandpa. With my kids who now have kids of their own, I see myself in my sons in the way hey parent them. My oldest grand daughter was in some trouble some time past for something she had done, and I stood between her and her dad as he was trying to correct her. My dad had done the same to me on more than one occasion, and it was an eeerie feeling. I told my dad that if he didn't mind, I was trying to correct my child. He boldly said in return, "Just what the hell do you think I'm trying to do with mine?" I've heard those same words come flying out of my lips as well.

With my daughter, the way she nags after he poor husband for not putting the peanut butter, jelly and knife immediately away when he makes a sandwich, I can see her mother glaring at me. It terrifies my daughter to think she's becoming her mom; something she has sworn would never happen, yet there it is in all of it's glory. I can't wait for little Keiry to smugly say the same of her mom.

Oddly enough, all human critters run through the same general pattern. As children, we think our parents are the smartest people on earth. Then we become teenagers, and the hormones start to flow, and the parents become so dumb it's a wonder how they managed to get out of the house, much less raise a family. Then suddenly, we find ourselves in their shoes.... we become parents.... It's amazing how we soon discover that our parents weren't so damn dumb after all.

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Re: Inheritance

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Wed Jul 15, 2009 11:05 am

Inheritance of genes, DNA, characteristics, mannerisms, outlooks, goals, values?
Great insightful topic gilly!
What are some things you recognize that you have inherited from your parents and their parents? The upside of this is a Strong constitution of responsibility, & family 1st! The ugliness of temper, full blown Dago fits of ranting & raving. My mother had control issues because she herself wasn't in control of her life, so she thought. Or was it the times? The Depression, WWII? Divorce? The excumincation from the church? She had a lot of bitterness within her, that she let loose on the world, & the ones around her. My mother hated me, because I reminded her of my father in every which way & form. As long as I can remember, she would say in fits of rage. "Your exactly like your father, & I hate your father." If I wasn't living with her extended family, I would of grown up much worse than I did. At a young age, I knew her statement was bull shit, because her family loved my father! They spoke highly of him, out of her ear shot!
What have you done to change that? I spent my whole life trying to prove to her, she was mistaken, I wasn't exactly like my father. In some ways, I was just like her! I too, had a son, who in every which way & form is the spitting image of HIS father. Who I loved ever so deeply, enough to have a child with him. With my oldest son? I broke that circle, I never spoke ill of my 1st husband. He met his father, on his terms & their relationship is their relationship to this day!
Do you see yourself repeating their mistakes or fixing their mistakes (making better choices)? The mistakes I did repeat, was the constant ranting & raving, making mountains out of mole hills. I felt so ugly after my tantrums. BUT I apologized to my children, & showed them that I was NOT perfect. I didn't want to control my kid's nor their friends, or their lives, or their dreams & hopes thru squashing their spirits. I showed my children that I too make mistakes. They knew my mother & I didn't get along, & there were wrong doings on both sides. My mother didn't see her grandkids until her death bed, thats when I saw the fruits of my labor! My mother lay dying, she watched, talked, laughed, & told stories to her grandchildren who she 1st saw as pre-teens & teenagers. Years of trial & error, years of searching my heart & soul, to make sure certain circles were broken. Her grandchildren who despite my mothers & my relationship they who were talking, tending, & caring for her. They brought her joy, & she enjoyed their openness of hearts. She was happy, truly happy. She lookd @ me & commented. "Oh, Dee Dee, your children are beautiful! Just look at them!" My eyes seen clearly for the 1st time finally I have proved myself to myself, with or without her approval. It felt like the world had been lifted from my shoulders! (It could of been the morphine talking also. (:
What have you inherited that you value? The open mindedness of different people, with different views, & outlooks on life. The strong confiction of Family 1st. The willingness of the women in my life to "rock & roll" the family. The independence of women in my family from Great Grandmothers on both sides of my family trickling down to my daughter.
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Re: Inheritance

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Sun Jul 19, 2009 9:02 pm

cheers bounce I am VERY proud of myself! Yes, this thread is about inheritance isn't it?
John's & I's "middle child", (really he's mine & John's oldest child with this marriage), he's "the lost sheep", "the loner", "Life is a bowl full of cherries/chocolates" "Mr. Party", all these clichés, that HE has inherited honestly. I say from both of us, I believe in shared responsibility just as much as shared genes! John says "Just you & your side of the family." Hysterical He's SO right!
Well why I'm so proud of myself, is....I continue to face myself with this child. My mother wished that curse on me, you know, the one about "I wish you have one just like you." Contrary to what John thinks its NOT our daughter. LMAO!
Our son, for the umpteenth time is leaving & going forth into the world AGAIN. He started when he was 16yrs old, he'll soon be 24yrs old. Here @ home, he had it pretty easy. Back then & yes even now. Its NOT us, nor him. Its just life.
But his world is full of drama, mistakes, ideology, anger, frustration, addiction, and one big misunderstanding. BUT he's cool with all that. He's NOT a hater, of anyone, or really anything. He'll fight for the underdog though. He'll give you the shirt off his back. He's a survivor. He's a runner. He's responsible solely for himself. He answers to no one but himself. He's a searcher. He's the person who falls into a bucket of crap & comes up smelling like roses.
Yep, thats our son. He's my curse. He's me 30yrs ago looking back at me. With this child in the past, I've paced floors, I've yelled, I've ranted & raved, I've cryed, I've been angry, I've pleaded, I've begged, I didn't apologize, I've apologized, I've stood up for myself, & my family. I've protected our family unit, & even the underdog,"HIM." I've asked myself why? I've asked him why? No answers to those questions. From me or him.
He told me as he was packing. "Mom, I'm a runner, I like to just go, I know someone else like that too." He was talking about me, I knew it, he knew it. Well like me, he's honest to a fault. He had me, so I nodded. "Yes, yes, your right, but I stopped." He smiled. "Really? Have you?" I thought to myself. (DAMN, he's right about that too.) He continued..."See, I'm ok with that. I can do this too. I've BEEN doing this. Just like you, mom. Hey, I want you to know, that, I'm alright. I'll always be alright. You can worry about all the rest, but me. Me? You don't have to worry about me. I'm fine. Trust me, on this." I was sitting on his bed watching, & looking, listening & hearing him. I've always known he'll be alright. But those words, those same words I've heard before long ago.
Again, I was watching & looking, listening & hearing myself!
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Re: Inheritance

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:11 pm

Very Happy Too long, or too much info, or too in depth about Inheriting things from our family???? cyclops
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Re: Inheritance

Post by gillyflower on Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:33 pm

No, it was great hearing that. I have a child that is much like me as well and I had written about it - or tried to - and then deleted it. The thing is with the child that is most like me, I was the parent to her that I'd wished I had for myself because of that. I don't mean that I was perfect - I was far from that but like her I had big dreams and lots of ambitions and there was no support for that from my parents. I gave her the support I wish I'd had and because of it she reached for the moon and got it.

The odd part was that my mother confessed to me once, near the end of her life, that she'd had all these ambitions when she was young and she hadn't done them because of her parents. It's one reason why I think that it is so important to examine the patterns in your life and in your family. She'd had it done to her and turned around and did the same to me. I am so glad I didn't pass that one on.

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Re: Inheritance

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:43 pm

Very Happy Yes, isn't that wonderful that some of us make plans & succeed on breaking that chain that keeps our spirits down.
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Re: Inheritance

Post by Teka on Sat Aug 01, 2009 11:31 pm

Well I have been blessed with 2 sons, and I am not going to tell you they were great achievers and all that, but there is something that warms my heart and surprises me about them. The oldest has been only very loosely attached for the last 33 years somehow gravitated to Unity which is my affiliation. Not through anything from me, because we weren't in touch. Amazes me every time it comes to mind.

Middle child lives near me. When the Eckhart Tolle webinar was on I asked if I could follow it at his house because I am on dial up and couldn't get it. It was 10 weeks long and not only did he have me over to use his computer, he watched and liked it. We had some long conversations about it afterwards. My DIL fled the premises. Not her kind of thing. While there were things that appeared to go over his head, he really got some things in depth. That really impresses me about him. Nothing I expected.

It is as though God was whispering in my ear, "You thought you were the only one watching over them and now you see I have been at work with them all the time."

I never thought these guys and I were on the same page and felt very strongly that I shouldn't prostelize them. Now if I can just hold my tongue in regards to my daughter's inclination to make drama of her life. She will find a path, I know it.

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Re: Inheritance

Post by TigersEyeDowsing on Sun Aug 02, 2009 1:40 am

Oh, not that it matters, but the verse of a song I had listed on facebook in question was the Sordid Lives theme song (Olivia Newton John):

Now who's to judge who's a saint and who's a sinner
Lord, it's tough enough to trudge from brunch to dinner
We seek the light of truth between our white lies
We sleep away our youth under tattletale skies

Now who's to say who's a sinner and who's a saint
Who's to say who you can love and who you can't
Now it's easy for the pot to call the kettle black
They're just jealous of the hot and lusty sordid lives they lack

Ain't it a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives
It's a bitch when you come to realize
got yourself a box of Cracker Jacks
then you get a really shitty prize
It's a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives

Now we struggled comin' down the chute to take our first breath
and we struggle for acceptance from birth to death
But the Lord's too busy tryin' to keep the world on it's feet
He ain't got time to give a damn about what goes on between the sheets

Ain't it a bitch sortin' out our sordid lives
It's a bitch when you come to realize
got yourself a box of Cracker Jacks
then you get a really shitty prize
It's a bitch sortin' out our sorry little sordid lives

When the good Lord tips us in the gene pool,
We get more than granny's green eyes
We get our mama's warmth and our daddy's cool and thing between our thighs -
And that's the start of all this trouble in our sordid lives!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmdeEAMiWKQ (not safe for work).

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Re: Inheritance

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Sun Aug 02, 2009 9:16 am

Very Happy bounce TED, too cool of a song! Yes, fits very well with this topic!
What would we do without ya, hon?
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Re: Inheritance

Post by Willowcreek70633 on Tue Oct 27, 2009 10:30 pm

Very Happy On the continuence of inheritence! Well above son fell upon some hard luck. Lost his job, truck is screwed up, his wife is following through w divorce, no place for he & his dog to live. He asked if we could take care of his dog for a couple of months. Well, dog & Him are home now, & we offered for him to live here, take care of his Maw Maw, & get paid, while I am gone to Iraq. When I come back in Dec 2010, he'll have $$ to start fresh, see the world, move to where ever, go to school, live on his own. He accepted. We're not a pit stop, & he's not using us for the revolving door, he's finally learned that as parents we're here for him, & he can always come home. Life is funny isn't it?
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