I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

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I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:14 am

First a poem by me, then a short story. Feel free to move these wherever they might be better placed?

Feather

musk of melting monk's light
assault my nostrils
liquid flame drips across taut flesh
sandpaper leather chafes my limbs

metal fingers tweak my nipples
shivers of agony arc through me
timed to the thumping of my heart
ragged gasps escape

A light lick drifts across my neck
jolts bump by bump down my spine
leaves the ecstasy of apprehension
trailing in its aftermath

sound of impact on flesh confirms its reality
sightless premonition fails to warn me
random strikes ensure my knowledge of pain
is not knowledge of placement

the struggles increase in tempo
shudders ravage the sweat-soaked skin
yearn for air that's no longer there
expansion and explosion wrack my world

society's taboos have no place here
locked out by the armor of my ecstasy
the fine line between pain and pleasure
no longer exists in my universe


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Not Sure 2.0

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:15 am

The Forever Clock

Can't someone kill me... please? I know you’re out there somewhere; maybe some psychic working for the police or someone who has visions in their dreams, someone who can hear me… anyone… anyone at all. I’m suffering and I can’t take much more of this. Not that I have a choice, really. If you CAN hear me, I’m in Room 217, of the County Hospital, in the long-term care unit. Surrounded by well-meaning nurses, doctors, and people marveling at my condition… my condition. If only they knew.

Up until a year ago, I was the main research assistant at Genodyne Laboratories, working under the auspicious Dr Samuel Freeman, one of the best, if not THE best, researchers in gene therapies on the planet; not that it helped him all that much in the end. Oh, but when we started, we had such hope, such promise. I had just graduated from MIT summa cum laude with double degrees in bio-engineering and gene research, and I’d read Freeman’s books on free radicals and the possibility of halting the aging process. Most of the scientific community laughed at him, but I was star struck, I saw the possibilities that such a victory over mankind’s oldest enemy could have, and when the application to work at his laboratory came back approved, I went out and got drunk for three days in celebration.

At first, like any other entrant, I ‘paid my dues’ at the laboratory, but within two years, came to work directly for the man himself. Neither of us had spouses or any familial obligations that would hinder us from the hours upon hours we spent at the labs, working frantically on the ideas we had. For that year, Freeman had been diagnosed with a slow acting but inevitably fatal melanoma, and we were trying to ‘beat the clock’ for him, if not humanity as a whole.

# Truncated by TED; you may request the rest of the story by writing TaoOfTheRaven #


Last edited by TigersEyeDowsing on Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:28 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : attempted prevention of copyright infringement)

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by tmarie64 on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:21 am

I'm not a big poetry person. But that story was AWESOME!!!!
I think they are in the perfect spot. This is literature if ever I have read/seen lit.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:24 am

I've got one just for you, then, tmarie64. lol. The assignment was to write something in rhyme and I HATE rhyming poetry. So I wrote this in response.

Beetles, Beetles Everywhere



I sit on the couch and ponder

this heavy head of mine.

I’m looking for a reason

to compile a block of rhyme.

It doesn’t seem to work for me

I can’t figure out just how.

There’s nothing to a poem, you see

That’s what I thought till now.

I strain and strive and grunt and groan

I’ve got no Muse to thank.

I still can’t write a rhyming poem

that damn page sits there blank.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by tmarie64 on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:26 am

LOL! That is great!!

I've never been able to do that. I'm in awe of people who can. And you are awesome, to me, anyway.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:36 am

Thankee kindly. It's nice to be back in a forum that has good peoples in it. I'm weaning myself from CL.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by DotNotInOz on Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:17 pm

Tao, I don't know if you've thought of this, but as wide open as anything posted on the Net is these days, I hope to hell "The Forever Clock" is copyrighted. You do NOT want that story pirated and copyrighted by someone else. It is GOOD.

While I love that you shared it with us, if it were my story, I'd ask that it be removed if it's not copyrighted. I repeat: You do NOT want someone to rip off that story. The concept is terrific, and it's very well executed indeed.

One thing about it, though, do clean up the verb form here: "So here I lay, in this hospital bed." Either change that to the grammatical form "lie" since the viewpoint is in the present, or maybe change the verb entirely to something like, "So here I am, in this hospital bed." Your consistent style and command of the language are superb; you don't want one tiny glaring error like that one for sure.

While I really LIKE "Feather", the first stanza doesn't seem to me to have the clarity and power of the others. I think that poem might be better and have more impact if you ditched the first stanza entirely. Doesn't seem to me you need it. The imagery in the second and subsequent ones is powerful enough to establish the subject and tone.

Some reactions for you to consider--you're the poet, and I'm a former English teacher. We all know what is said about teachers... What a Face
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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by DotNotInOz on Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:34 pm

On second thought, forget my suggestion of changing "So here I lay" to anything but the present tense form "lie."

You've a transition there that seems to me to need "lie." Any other verb wouldn't do that as effectively and tie in well with the rest of the paragraph.

Damn! but that story kicks major ass!

You keep writing and writing and writing. One of these days, we're gonna be able to say we knew you when...
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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TigersEyeDowsing on Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:09 pm

I like the story too, Leslie. Definitely Poe-inspiring. Dot's probably right though, we should take it down so it doesn't get kidnapped.

I personally have used the 'poor man's copyright' and mailed certified copies of things to myself and left them unopened. I hear it's a tossup in terms of court acceptance but it's better than nothing I guess.

You should compile all your short stories together and get 'em copyrighted at once; it wouldn't be too expensive that way and could save a major headache down the road.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by DotNotInOz on Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:48 pm

Here's a thought, TED. Maybe rather than removing it altogether just truncate it here after the second paragraph or so wherever Tao thinks best and add a teaser that the remainder will be available on request.

I swear if I'd read only that much, I'd be dying to find out what happens to the narrator.

Then, Leslie aka Tao can get the copyright and add the standard notation to the text before sending it to those who ask to read it.
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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TigersEyeDowsing on Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:59 pm

Not a bad plan Dot. What do you think, Miss Tao?

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Thu Nov 18, 2010 11:41 pm

Actually, I think that's cool. I just like to write and share it so much that, frankly, I never thought about copyright infringement.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by DotNotInOz on Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:42 am

I don't think a lot of people consider that when they post or blog creative works it's one thing if they don't care that much about the pieces they put online or only post some inferior samples and could be quite another in this age of cut and paste if it's a precious baby.

Everytime I see something really good online with no indication it's copyright protected, I think of the hassle Daphne du Maurier went through decades ago after some woman claimed Du Maurier had plagiarized the international bestseller Rebecca. It took a trial with examination of lengthy segments of Du Maurier's manuscript to demonstrate that Rebecca was indeed her original work. That was one distinct advantage to hand or typewritten manuscripts which showed the writer's corrections and additions.

This is why I always advised my students, especially those who were good writers, to print a hard copy every so often as they revised their work. Better still, do at least some revision by hand on one or more of those, especially if you add to the work. That way, they had some means of demonstrating it was their original work if challenged in school or later in life.

And don't put any creative work you care about online without copyright protection.

Okay, enough soapbox.
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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:45 am

Thankee kindly. My prob right now is no money to do copyright. Sad But I'll finish rewriting this and a bunch of projects I'm working on, and in January when I get my next student aid, I can do it then. Smile

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by DotNotInOz on Fri Nov 19, 2010 10:55 am

Just promise that when this bizarre little old lady toddles up to a table where you're autographing copies of your latest runaway bestselling scifi novel, Tao, you'll add a personal note to the sig on my copy. < sassy wink & grin >
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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:05 am

lol. Sure. Hey, this is the intro to an alternate Earth historical drama I'm also working on, what do you think? (it's just the intro so I'm not worried bout copyright).

Basically, the setup is Jesus never existed, the Jews were subsumed into the Roman empire, Columbus was lost at sea. So "America" is colonized by the PanAsian alliance on the west coast, New Rome (with its capitol on the island now called Manhattan) on the east coast and the center is taken up by the Federated Tribes. It takes place in the 1860s in what we now call New Orleans:

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intro

Post by TaoOfTheRaven on Fri Nov 19, 2010 11:06 am

Chapter I

From Gaius Marius Brittanicus, Proconsul Roma Nova, to Lucius Aelius, Pinceps Senatus. Greetings, friend. I thought you might wish to receive an honest rather than political evaluation of the situation, so I have appended this personal letter to my official report to the Senate. What you do with it is your business; if you wish to share it with other influential members of the Senate, there is nothing in it that cannot be made public. Now, whether or not it should be made public I leave to you, since you are certainly more aware of the political aspects of the situation.

The trip here was uneventful, but fast. Our new fleet is performing well; if their military capabilities match their seamanship, our sailors will prove a welcome addition to the army in protecting our provinces. As you know, the former proconsul has left me a mess, to say the least; I certainly hope that the courts, if not the Concilium Plebs, makes short work of his career. As you know, our province is relatively secure, in that all of our enemies are to the north of us. We have nothing to fear from the Aztecs to the south. They only thing my predecessor did well was make them Friend and Ally of the Senate and People of Rome. On the western coast the Sinese Empire has developed an extensive network of trading partners, all of whom are dependent upon it to protect them from other tribal groups further to the east. In the Northeast, the Federation of Tribes—they call themselves the Iroquois—are powerful rivals. They are making overtures to the most powerful tribe in the Southeast, the Cherokee, to join them. Or should I say, be forced to join them.

Right now the Cherokee are also Friend and Ally, and are looking to us to help them secure their independence. However, they have been worth every sestercius it costs us to help them remain free from the Federation, and I imagine that they will continue to be helpful to Rome. I can see that my major task here will be to deal with the Federation in such a way as to protect our interests with our own client tribes. If my predecessor had shown even halfway good judgment in dealing with the Federation my task would have been much easier.



I will keep in as close a touch as the situation—not to mention the distance—permits. I am going to inspect our network of roads north out of the capital along the Mississippi river. By the way, the rivers have such interesting names here—Mississippi, Chattahoochee, just to name two of them. We have used the local names for them, with the exception of the Great River that serves as the northern border of the Aztec kingdom. I tell you, Lucius, we need to consider moving the capital north of its present location. Not only are we subject to the annual storms that cause so much damage, but we are also too removed from the problems on the border. I mean, by the gods, the center of our own government has not been in Rome itself for almost 1600 years! Yet I sit in this city on the southern edge of the province.



One last request, if you will. My son was elected a military tribune for this year. Please see that he gets a good assignment, and by that I mean one where he can actually learn and accomplish something, with one of our better commanders, if you know what I mean. I appreciate it. Your own son-in-law met our fleet when it arrives, and seems to be an impressive young man.

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Re: I'm not sure if this is the right place for these?

Post by tmarie64 on Fri Nov 19, 2010 1:08 pm

I didn't even have to read the Intro to know I'd love to read that story. It sounds great.

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